BMR - Bringing the Racket to the BlogWorld

The Final Four

2006-12-21T09:25:00.000-08:00

It's down to four and on Tuesday morning the Chump of the BMR Bowl V will be crowned. As for the riches that accompany the crown - As soon as all you dead weights pay your vig to Vinny, payouts will be made.........while we're young. Vigs will be delivered by the New Year.

It's 1940, in the northern Indiana town of BMR. 9-year-old Honger wants only one thing for Christmas -- an official BMR Bowl V Trophy. Between his younger brother Beirut and having to handle school bully Shock and Awe, Honger doesn't know how he'll ever survive long enough to get the trophy for Christmas.
When Honger asks his mother for a BMR Trophy for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll poke your eye out". When Hoplite, Hongers teacher at Harding Elementary School, assigns the class to write a theme about what they want for Christmas, Honger sees a golden opportunity to express his desire to have a BMR Trophy. Honger gets a C+ on the theme, and Hoplite has written "You'll poke your eye out" on the theme. Honger next plan is to ask The Commish for a BMR trophy, and how does The Commish respond? By saying "You'll poke your eye out, kid." By this time, Honger has had enough of that. When Shock and Awe and his sidekick Big Blue start in on Honger while he's on his way home from school that day, Hongerknocks Big Blue to the ground, beats Shock and Awe face bloody, and then pounds Shock and Awe’s head on the snow-covered ground several times. Honger thinks he'll never get the BMR Trophy for Christmas now. And all of the other kids are going to be getting what they want for Christmas. But someone may have planned a surprise for Honger.

Good luck to Honger, Hoplite, Big Blue and Beirut
Happy Holidays,
The Commish

Sorry Sooooooooooo Sorry

2006-12-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry it’s been a few weeks since the last update. The Commish was on hiatus / suicide watch as his team crumbled like a dry over-baked cookie. So what did I miss? Honger’s Mom got served up a platter of major beat down by the GDomers. Brit and Kfed took the train to splitsville. Honger’s mom won then lost when the NFL credited a lateralled pass as a TD pass to Mr. Blown Knee McNabb a few days later. Lindsay and Paris are friends again, then they are not. Mr. Alexander rushed for a whopping 201 yards in a Seattle snow bringing his 2 game total to 238 vs The Edges 352 (who has played every week since the BMR trade). Brittany’s HooHa has been exposed on the web more days than the Commish has wins.
Over the weekend, I’ll be getting caught up on the cash situation and the playoff probabilities. The cash should be a concern for some of you. The numbers might rival those spoken about on CNBC for Fund Managers this year.

DownTick
*Beirut by the Bay 9-3 1035.95
*Hard Hitters 8-4 1088.05
*Big Blue Wrecking 8-4 950.95
Tiki's Torches 5-7 844.07
Chemical Ali 5-7 837.56
f'ah q 5-7 826.86
The Clear 5-7 779.92
Jerzey Boys 3-9 855.30

UpTick
*Hoplite 9-3 901.13
Golden Domers 8-4 1107.49
Hongers 8-4 1002.45
shock and awe 7-5 980.61
Spartan Landsharks 6-6 700.74
the suit 4-8 780.03
The Commish 3-9 852.46
jerseyboys 3-9 748.17

* Clinched a playoff spot

Week Eight - The Run

2006-11-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

BMR Playoff Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
The second half of the season every game counts. Every point counts. The playoff contenders will distance themselves from the cluster fuck of teams packed in the middle of the standings. It will be decided by points and only points. You will regret not starting a TE in week 5 or ponying up $5. That move alone could have you in the basement in Jersey with Uncle Cliffy and Greggy sniffing glue and pounding 40’s of Red White and Spew during the playoffs.
The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show Jerseyboys of the West, Big Blue Wrecking, and Hoplite are the buyers of the tickets at $25 bucks a pop.

You stay classy, BMR. I'm The Commish????

UpTick
Hoplite 7-1
Hongers 6-2
Golden Domers 5-3
shock and awe 3-5
The Commish 3-5
the suit 3-5
Spartan Landsharks 3-5
jerseyboys 2-6

DownTick
Big Blue Wrecking 6-2
Hard Hitters 5-3
Beirut by the Bay 5-3
f'ah q 5-3
Chemical Ali 3-5
The Clear 3-5
Tiki's Torches 3-5
Jerzey Boys 2-6

Week Seven - MidTerm

2006-10-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

For most people, Friday's just the day before the weekend. But after this Friday, the BMR'll never be the same
Hoplite’s making a run for the roses. Hopefully the Curse of Tom Brady Bunch doesn’t catch up to him. Defending champ, Hongers Mom, is giving chase. Hongers Mom obviously has had his allowance upped because he’s throwing around adds and drops like Big Daddy Warbucks. “Count my money or party with bitches. Hundred and fitties or big ass titties. Count the green or get in between those titties.” The G Domers are trying for the saving face season after falling flat on his last year. He’s got the BG’s - The bubble guts,” I'm nervous and I'm bout to shit on my self”. Big Blue Wrecking has established a foothold at the top of the DownTick without using his normal tactics of working the waiver wire like a one armed retarded chimp works himself. Everyone else in the DownTick can lumped together as mediocrity.
It’s the midway point. You must have a full roster in order to win. You must win in order to make the playoffs. Remember it ,Write it down, take a picture, I don't give a fuck.
Hey Jerzeys Boys one and two, The Clear and Spartan, that crazy bitch out there again! She’s lookin for love and it cost $25. Spartan, don’t forget to go twice.

UpTick
Hoplite 7-0
Hongers 5-2
Golden Domers 4-3
The Commish 3-4
Spartan Landsharks 3-4
shock and awe 2-5
the suit 2-5
jerseyboys 2-5

DownTick
Big Blue Wrecking 6-1
Hard Hitters 4-3
Beirut by the Bay 4-3
f'ah q 4-3
The Clear 3-4
Chemical Ali 3-4
Jerzey Boys 2-5
Tiki's Torches 2-5

Week Six - Weak Excuses

2006-10-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

Lunch is for wimps. Who needs lunch when you can’t stomach the performance of your lame ass team. If you pay to much attention to the P’s and Q’s of the players and miss a few too many TD’s………your F’d. I could have, should have would have….The most valuable commodity I know of is information. Excuses, excuses excuses. My computer didn’t save my D, I thought I had a bye week, I can’t remember my password……If it’s the word tattooed right above your wife’s ass, I won’t even forget it.
This is an outrage! You're out of line Commish!
Clean up you act fella’s and play the game.
Make sure your all roster positions are full. Don’t wait til’ Saturday night after a neighbor’s party when you have more heat on than Kilauea and you wife is screaming your name from the bedroom like a cheetah monkey in heat……you animal!!!!!
Forget Sunday morning when you are too hung over that every keystroke hurts and the little pitter patter of you kids feet sound like elephants charging for the fridge.
Get it done before the weekend…..for the love of BMR……PLEASE
How much is enough? It’s not a question of enough, pal. It's a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses. The BMR itself isn't lost or made, it's simply transferred from one perception to another.

The Commish, the Suit, and Tiki will be transferring funds to the Performance Pot….obviously Lester doesn’t like those three this week.

UpTick
Hoplite 6-0
Hongers 5-1
Golden Domers 3-3
The Commish 3-3
Spartan Landsharks 3-3
jerseyboys 2-4
shock and awe 1-5
the suit 1-5-0

DownTick
Big Blue Wrecking 5-1
Beirut by the Bay 4-2
Hard Hitters 4-2
The Clear 3-3
f'ah q 3-3
Jerzey Boys 2-4
Chemical Ali 2-4
Tiki's Torches 1-5-0

Week Five - What were you thinking?

2006-10-12T14:02:00.000-07:00

“A Trade, A Trade, A Trade” The hush of the BMR HQ was broken as Vern (The 3’4” tall Asst) came running down the hall doing his best Herve Villechaize impersonation minus the mountain of Bolivian snow and 3 - 6’ tall blond model want-a-bees at his side.

Shaun Alexander for The Edge straight up. What the fuck were you thinking Spartan Landsharks!!!!!!!!!! Let’s see I’ll give last years MVP for a back that is one step from the announcer’s booth. Yes, Mr. MVP has a fucked up foot, but that’s not going to stop him from gaining 600 yds and having a 2 or 3 td game now and then – let alone one of those ball crushing 4 td games. He’ll be getting healthy and kicking it into high gear when the BMR Bowl V roles around and Hongers Mom will one step closer to becoming the first back to back chump.
Dumping the Edge was brilliant. An aging back with barely above average talent with a below average offensive line. I haven’t seen Mr. Leinhart run that fast since he was at USC and being chased by the “lovely ladies” of Phi Slappa Moo. Yes, he was good at Indy. Anyone could run against two D linemen. The other nine were trying to cover the receivers and keep their pants from falling down with Peyton performing his always famous hide the ball until it lands in Marvin or Reggie’s hands. If you needed a back for this weekend pick one off the wire.
The Edge vs Da Bears let’s start the over under on the yards gained at 27 yds.

You should be fined for that trade!

The suit, jerseyboy of the west, Hard Hitters, and f'ah q all pony up the cabbage for the season ending salad.

UpTick
Hoplite 5-0
Hongers 4-1
The Commish 3-2
Spartan Landsharks 3-2
Golden Domers 2-3
the suit 1-4
shock and awe 1-4
jerseyboys 1-4

DownTick
Big Blue Wrecking 4-1
Beirut by the Bay 4-1
Hard Hitters 3-2
Jerzey Boys 2-3
The Clear 2-3
f'ah q 2-3
Chemical Ali 2-3
Tiki's Torches 1-4

Week Four - Call to Arms

2006-10-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

As I walk the hallowed hall of the BMR HQ, past the trophies of winners past, Tiki Torches, Dirty Sanchez, Big Blue Wrecking Crew, and Hongers Mom from last year. I can’t understand what is going on in this year’s league. This is where the immortal words of Lou the Caddy Master come in. “I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the league, bad language, smoking grass, poor managing. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by halfwits, just keep it up.”
What I’m getting at is that there a few that aren’t updating their rosters on a weekly basis, then complaining about having to pay the performance fees. You can’t blame the computer unless your IQ rivals that of a retarded chimp. Then again I’m not the one to judge the hiring practices of Wall Street firms.
You just-you ain't gettin' it. You don't understand. This is the only thing you're ever gonna have. Forever, it carries you forever. It's an ugly fact of life. BMR, hell. It's the only fact of life. You got one year, one stinkin' year to make yourself some memories, son. That's all. It's gone after that. And I'll be damned if you're not gonna miss it.

Lou’s been losing at the track and he’s raising prices. Spartan Landsharks & jerseyboys of the West get Ali’d and pay Lou double while Jerzey Boys of the East and Chemical Ali just help Lou out……. Double turds.

Gentlemen, the hopes and dreams of an entire league are riding on your shoulders. You may never matter again in your life as much as you do right now.

UpTick
Hoplite 4-0
Hongers 3-1
The Commish 3-1
Spartan Landsharks 2-2
Golden Domers 1-3
the suit 1-3
shock and awe 1-3
jerseyboys 1-3

DownTick
Big Blue Wrecking 3-1
Hard Hitters 3-1
Beirut by the Bay 3-1
Jerzey Boys 2-2
f'ah q 2-2
The Clear 1-3
Chemical Ali 1-3
Tiki's Torches 1-3

Week Three - Nuttin

2006-09-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

I got nuttin this week. The Commish’s writing well is dryer than a six-pack at the Lane household at 11pm on a Friday. I don’t know if it’s pure frustration for not starting the obvious players and losing or the prospects of my upcoming game this week vs the Golden Domers where my roster has been pillaged by the bye week and every player has a P or a Q on next to their name. Expect a barn-burner in that match up. Someone will get Ali’d.
I gotta hit the books and review the some rules
How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #32: never commit to a player unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
Rule #16: give me an up-to-date roster, that was your mistake, you just made me look like an idiot.
Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

All right I like my odds here. Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.

Chem ali ,Hard Hitters, The Commish, The Suit, and Hongers Mom are holding checks for $25 to our favorite little charity….The BMR house-o-poverty

UpTick
Hoplite 3-0
Hongers 2-1
The Commish 2-1
Spartan Landsharks 2-1
Golden Domers 1-2
jerseyboys 1-2
shock and awe 1-2
the suit 0-3

DownTick
Jerzey Boys 2-1
Big Blue Wrecking 2-1
Hard Hitters 2-1
Beirut by the Bay 2-1
f'ah q 1-2
The Clear 1-2
Chemical Ali 1-2Tiki's Torches 1-2

Week Two - Where's the guts

2006-09-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

The pains of agony emanate from the other end of the BMR Headquarters. Tiki is getting Torched. He’s already admitting to a few that the trouble monkey is climbing on his back.
On the phone, after the research call, the Golden Domers laments how LJ is shy and can’t find the end zone and that Jake the Snake needs to introduce himself to his receivers. The vultures are circling overhead and beneath his tears a whimper of a fire sale could be near.
Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Make some add and drops and pay the transaction fairy. Don’t just sit on your hands and cry like a little bitch.
What the fuck happened to the BMR I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. JerseyBoys, he's a dead man! Honger’s Mom, dead! Hard Hitters.… Dead!!!!!
Let’s Gooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The performance fairy sprinkled her dust on jerseyboys of the West, Golden Domers, Chemical Ali, and Tiki’s Torches………so pay the bitch

Uptick Division
Hongers 2-0
Hoplite 2-0
The Commish 2-0
Spartan Landsharks 1-1
jerseyboys 1-1
shock and awe 0-2
the suit 0-2
Golden Domers 0-2

DownTick
Jerzey Boys 2-0
Hard Hitters 2-0
Big Blue Wrecking 1-1
Beirut by the Bay 1-1
The Clear 1-1
Chemical Ali 1-1
f'ah q 0-2
Tiki's Torches 0-2

Week One - The Scoreboard is a Blazin'

2006-09-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

As chairman of the welcoming committee, it's a pleasure to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our new …… member.

Week One is in the bag and there are the haves and have-nots. Hoplite, Hongers Mom, The Commish, JerseyBoys of the West, JerzeyBoys of the East, HardHitters, The Clear, and Chemical Ali come out of week one with the big W. I’m not gonna waste my time typing out the LOSERS. You know who you are.

God darnit Mr. Commish, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty-five dollar whore.
The line starts with f’ah q, Chemical Ali, Tiki’s Torches, Beruit by the Bay, The Clear, The Suit, JerseyBoys of the West, shock and awe, and the Spartan Landsharks. They all pony up $25 for that fine young lady. Now that’s a nice start to her weekend.

Is it true how zey say zat you people are... gifted?
3 Games had the both the winner and loser did not perform up to expectations.
There were only 2 games where both teams were over the performance level.
Oh. It's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

Don’t be afraid to find the endzone. I hired you people to try to play in this league, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots

Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry sir I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.
Better Luck in week 2

Time is Nearer

2006-08-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

Monday 7am PST / 10am EST
The BMR will go into lockdown and the draft will occur within 24 hours.
after the draft the free agent wire open on afirst come first serve basis.
Reggie Bush #1

Time is Near

2006-08-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

The NFL is looking for a new commish …… hey over here!!!
The draft is getting closer and Hongers Mom is tinkering with her draft order that could possibly lead her to back-to-back titles. Two trophies make pretty nice bookends on the family mantle next to Jr’s High School and College diplomas. The league is starting to look a little tougher. The Golden Domer claims that last year was an anomaly. He’s bought every publication known to mankind and all he’s gotten out of them is J-Lo and Marc are rumored to having a baby ……. Ah those are your wife’s magazines.
The (New) Jersey Boy has chimed in. As he scans the Playboy Top 100 Fantasy players he can’t decide whether to pick Jenna Jamison or Lexi. Keep up the good work JB.
August 28th is slowly creeping up on us. Make sure to register. There are still a few losers in the Downtick Division that haven’t. If you don’t someone else will.

Back in the Saddle again

2006-06-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year again. Basketball and Hockey seasons are finally over, the baseball season drags on, and training camp is around the corner. Some rookies are already making a name for themselves in areas that won’t count towards the Rookie of the Year Award.

The BMR is Back. It’s turning 5 and the training wheels are off. There are very few changes this year. Added bonus pts for 300 yd passing +5, 125 rushing +5, and 125 rec + 5. The weekly bogey is still 60 pts and $25 for taking the under. If you kicker “Vanderjaqts” an extra pt –1 for that. 1Qb 2 Rb 2 Wr 1 Wr/Rb 1Te 1 K 1 D and 8 Benchwarmers. Free trades and $5 per add and or drop after the first 10.

I’m sad to announce that Carl Lipbaum died last week at summer school form a severe anxiety attack."

In actuality a Charter Member of the BMR has had his member snipped by his new live in and will no longer be with us. His excuse was that he has paid too much $$ in the past 2 seasons. Well, drafting the New England Defense 1st was not a move that will get you in the Coaches Hall o Fame. Even my wife knows to draft a Defense in the middle rounds.
His replacement hails from the Pork Roll State of Jerzey. He has a wad of cabbage and is ready to knock heads in BMR and says that he will win the title. Only time will tell.
The Draft date will be set for sometime in August. So, go out and buy some of those Fantasy Football Rags at you local newsstand where you send you kids to get those dirty magazines for daddy and study up.

UpTick Division Draft Order
MJ
Brady
Lane
the Commish
Cliffy
Jim & Will
Chad
Honger

DownTick Division Draft Order
Rudy
John
Paul
Chris
Ali
Frank
Seth
Gregg

Vinnie's Vigs

2006-01-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

I know the BMR season ended weeks ago and I have saying I’ll post the vigs.
“My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it's sort of a family crisis.”
Hongers Mom has been real patient only say on occasion – “I want my two dollars!”

Make the checks all out to me and send them to my office.

Beruit by the Bay 576
Big Blue Repeaters 366
Chemical Ali 141
F'ah Q 2 141
Golden Domers 431
Hard Hitters 226
Hongers Niners 0
Hoplite 151
Jersey Boyz 0
shock and awe 276
Slap and Tickle 291
Spacesuit38 216
Spartan Landsharks 201
Suboptimal 366
The Commish 241
Tiki's Torches 96

The Crowning of the Chump

2005-12-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

Congrats goes out to Hongers Mom for winning the BMR Bowl IV. He defeated newcomer Jersey Boys in the match up of scores. The damn Camero broke down on the way to the title game. Tiki and Hoplite take home the consolation prize which will amount to a 10% off on 1 breakfast at Ihop….orange juice not included.

The payouts* are as follows:
Hongers Mom - roughly $2200 minus back rent to his parents - which should give him enough for a couple of Cosmos in some of LA’s trendiest bars while picking up some lady friends.

“Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.”

Jersey Boys – roughly $950 minus that pair of CZ earrings that the misses has been eyeing down at the Tony’s Jewelry and Pawn.

Tiki and Hoplite will still owe money, but it won’t hurt as much as Beruit and Golden Domers.

“You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls. And you got too much of one and not enough of the other.”

Later,
The Commish

P.S. Vinny will post the Vigs after the New Year. He doesn’t want to ruin some of your weekends.

* All Final dollar figures are dependant on the audit by Dewey Cheatum & Howe

Twas the night before the BMR

2005-12-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before The BMR,
when all through the net
Not a team was add/dropping for the final bet
The rosters were done by the weekend with care,
In hopes that Commish’s post soon would be there;
The members were nestled all at their desks,
While visions of big orders danced in their heads;
And Honger’s Mom in her nightie, and Tiki in his cap,
Are about to collide for a Downtick slap,
When out on the Uptick there arose such a clatter,
Jersey Boys sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window Hoplite flew like a flash,
Finalized their lineups for that last dash for cash.
The Championship is upon us like a new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a BMR trophy, and a couple grand with cheer.

Good Luck This weekend to the Final 4
Happy Holidays
The Commish

Week 14 - Season End - Playoffs Begin

2005-12-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

Sixteen men enter. Eight men leave. Welcome to the BMR Playoff Dome.

Lets review
1 plays 4 and 2 plays 3 in the respective divisions. The winners meet in the division championship. The winner of the division championship with the most points is the overall winner of the BMR Bowl. As many have noticed there is a consolation round on the yahoo site. It is not a sanctioned BMR event. If you didn’t make the playoffs, you can find something else to do with your time. For those who have told there significant others that Sundays are important to the family’s financial standing. Your secret is good with me.

Big Blue Repeaters and Suboptimal make the final donation to the homeless man on the corner. It was worth the 3 brown teeth smiling back at ya….makes you feel warm and fuzzy.

Congrats goes out to Beirut by the Bay and Golden Domers for clinching the AnchorMan Award. Unlike in college where the Anchorman chugs the remaining beer in the pitcher – a sweet Ulysses Grant will be venturing out of your pocket and into the BMR Pot-o-$$$ which has broken the 4geezers mark.

And Finally – After the season is complete and the BMR Bowl IV Chump is crowned I will post the vigs that are owed to Vinnie. Some of you might need a seat when the #’s are posted and try to keep the profanities to a minimum. “My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.”

Happy Holidays
“Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!”

UpTick Division
F'ah Q 2 10-4-0 .714 1144.74
Jersey Boyz 10-4-0 .714 1029.03
The Commish 8-6-0 .571 1066.00 L
Hoplite 7-7-0 .500 1109.82

shock and awe 6-8-0 .429 1022.18
Hard Hitters 5-9-0 .357 1003.54
Suboptimal 5-9-0 .357 828.30
Beirut by the Bay 5-9-0 .357 794.01

DownTick Division
Chemical Ali 9-5-0 .643 1129.43
spacesuit38 9-5-0 .643 1106.00
Honger's Niners 9-5-0 .643 1092.14
Tikis Torches 7-7-0 .500 1243.10

Big Blue Repeaters 7-7-0 .500 1058.11
Slap and Tickle 6-8-0 .429 865.72
Spartan Landsharks 5-9-0 .357 966.98
Golden Domers 4-10-0 .286 846.19

Week 13

2005-12-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

“In some circles, the BMR Bowl is a far far better thing than the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and the lower Oakland roller derby finals all rolled into one.”

The Playoff picture has become clear in the Uptick and crazy in the Downtick. In the Uptick a win and the Commish is in. Even with a loss, Hoplite secured the final playoff spot because shock and awe and Suboptimal shit themselves with the opportunity in making a playoff run.

In the Downtick, it’s messier than your wife finding you in bed with your nanny. Only Spacesuit 38 has secured a playoff position with four teams vying for three spots. It’s going to come down to who wins and how many points they score. The bottom three teams can play the role of the spoiler. A win and you’re in scenario is in play for Chemical Ali and Hongers Mom. A win by Tikis Torches and he is assured a spot. A win by Big Blue Repeaters and a loss by Chemical Ali or Hongers Mom will bring the last playoff spot down to points. Chemical Ali has a 24 pt and Hongers Mom has a 15 pt lead over Big Blue Repeaters.

Congrats to the Golden Domers for securing the Anchorman prize…….better luck next year. The Uptick Anchor Bowl between Hard Hitters & Beirut by the Bay comes down to the winner doesn’t pay. Beirut by the Bay is already numb to the process of paying money. “Thank you sir, may I have another.”

Honger's Mom, Big Blue Repeaters, Hard Hitters, Beirut by the Bay and Suboptimal are going to make some young kids Christmas special. Suboptimal loves the holidays so much, he pays double.

Suboptimal “I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.”
The Commish “So is my thing for tits.”

UpTick
*F'ah Q 2 10-3-0 1074.66
*Jersey Boyz 9-4-0 936.29
*The Commish 8-5-0 986.61
*Hoplite 7-6-0 1036.82
shock and awe 5-8-0 922.77
Suboptimal 5-8-0 799.44
Hard Hitters 4-9-0 915.41
Beirut by the Bay 4-9-0 723.90

DownTick
*spacesuit38 9-4-0 .692 1033.86
Chemical Ali 8-5-0 .615 1033.67
Honger's Mom 8-5-0 .615 1024.54
Tikis Torches 7-6-0 .538 1161.85
Big Blue Repeaters 7-6-0 .538 1009.20
Spartan Landsharks 5-8-0 .385 902.38
Slap and Tickle 5-8-0 .385 783.95
Golden Domers 3-10-0 .231 740.36

Week 12 Crunch Time

2005-11-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

Two weeks left in the regular season and many playoff spots are up in the air. The incumbent Jersey Boyz has locked down a playoff spot like the daily can of hair spray his wife uses to secure her flowing Jersey Momma hair. Dust off the Camero honey, we’re going to the playoffs.

For the rest, it’s going to come down to the final two weeks. Hoplite and The Commish play each other this week. A win and they are in. shock and awe and Suboptimal have to win out the season and score a pantload of points and hope that the loser of the Hoplite and The Commish game loses his last game and scores very little points and the moon aligns with Mars and little Johnny wakes up in the morning with an SI Swimsuit model lying naked next to him and hungry for his shortstack.

In the DownTick – it’s five players for 4 spots. Honger's Mom and spacesuit38 are almost assured a playoff spot with a win in the last 2 weeks. Tikis Torches, Chemical Ali, and Big Blue Repeaters need to win out the season to secure a spot. spacesuit38 plays both Tikis Torches and Chemical Ali in the final 2 games. It’s gonna be a bitch fight. Advantage goes to Ali cause that bitch likes to fight.

The Anchorman in the Uptick will also come down to the last 2 games. A Beirut by the Bay win and a Hard Hitters loss this week will set up the AnchorBowl in the UpTick Division. The winner avoiding paying the anchorman fee. In the DownTick Golden Domers, Slap and Tickle, and Spartan Landsharks all are contenders for the Anchorman. It will come down to points and wins. If the Domer can win out the season, he could play spoiler in the playoff race (Big Blue Repeaters) and possible dig himself out of the cellar. Those chances are in line with G’ Domer telling his wife that he’s going to the Playboy Mansion’s Pajama Party and then onto the Chateau Marmont for an after party. Like they say at the Marmont “If you are going to get into trouble, do it at the Chateau Marmont.”
Let the fun begin.

FlyGuy the Pimp is lookin’ for Beirut by the Bay and F'ah Q 2 this week – “My bitch better have my money. Through rain, sleet or snow. My whore better have my money, not half, not some, but all my cash. 'Cause if she don't, I'm gonna put my foot in her ass.” F'ah Q 2 turned 2 tricks and owes FlyGuy double.

UpTick
*F'ah Q 2 9-3 967.30
*Jersey Boyz 8-4 867.88
Hoplite 7-5 965.89
The Commish 7-5 897.04
shock and awe 5-7 847.33
Suboptimal 5-7 768.28
Hard Hitters 4-8 864.82
Beirut by the Bay 3-9 664.69

DownTick
Honger's Mom 8-4 977.71
spacesuit38 8-4 938.65
Tikis Torches 7-5 1083.15
Chemical Ali 7-5 970.04
Big Blue Repeaters 7-5 958.90
Spartan Landsharks 4-8 831.51
Slap and Tickle 4-8 705.04
Golden Domers 3-9 676.46

Week 11 (abbreviated)

2005-11-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

Only 3 weeks before the playoffs and it’s wide open. The DownTick Division can be divided into the Haves and Have-nots. 5 teams playing musical chairs for 4 seats. Which one of you will be the dorky red haired kid who falls on his ass when the music stops? The other 3 are fighting to avoid paying the anchorman fee. Hats off to the G’Domers with a two game winning streak….. The late run might get you out of the basement.
The UpTick Division has 4 teams also playing for 3 spots and the bitch (suboptimal) could sneak in, but I just don’t see it happening. Congrats to F'ah Q 2 for securing the first playoff birth. Give your players a rest for the remainder of the season, the rest of the league would appreciate it. And freshness is important.
For the rest of us, it’s time to get that killer mentality and scrub that wire one more time for that possible nugget and kick some heinie!…... “he said heinie!”
“I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!”

Both divisions will probably come down to Points for the playoff spot and the Anchorman.
Slap and Tickle, Golden Domers, Big Blue Repeaters, Suboptimal, shock and awe, and Hoplite stuff the performance fee turkey with some greenbacks this week. Mmmmm extra juicy.

UpTick
F'ah Q 2 9-2-0 .818 922.22
Jersey Boyz 8-3-0 .727 780.43
Hoplite 6-5-0 .545 876.84
The Commish 6-5-0 .545 823.85
shock and awe 5-6-0 .455 760.15
Suboptimal 4-7-0 .364 680.53
Hard Hitters 3-8-0 .273 782.18
Beirut by the Bay 3-8-0 .273 608.50

DownTick
Big Blue Repeaters 7-4-0 .636 881.33
Honger's Mom 7-4-0 .636 877.62
spacesuit38 7-4-0 .636 866.51
Tikis Torches 6-5-0 .545 979.13
Chemical Ali 6-5-0 .545 883.81
Spartan Landsharks 4-7-0 .364 771.16
Slap and Tickle 4-7-0 .364 643.98
Golden Domers 3-8-0 .273 611.70

Week Ten

2005-11-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

“Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass.” You’d think that a whining bitch would put in some sort of effort to avoid paying a performance fee on a weekly basis. He moans, groans, and complains about the unfairness of the league and and and my panties are too tight and I think I’m getting my period…………Suboptimal had a QB on bye and Big Ben was rehabbing his knee. He chose to not spend $10 so he could donate $25. And your firm believes you can trade stocks?

Two weeks into the season there was an owner that, to me, seemed like he was going to try and rely on the performance of a few players on the team and not put any effort into it. As the weeks went on and his loses started to pile up……then BAM!!!!! He started pulling victories out of his ass. Playing the wire like a 35 year old in a Vegas bar full of drunk and horny 23 year olds lookin for a sugga daddy. And now, he’s in the hunt for a playoff position. It’s a story that can be repeated more times than one about me and four drunk girls from the catholic girls college snow in at Tahoe for the weekend. That’s for another time.

Reiterating the Simple BMR Risk model:
Add + Drop = $10 < Performance Fee of $25

Congrats to Golden Domers for beating Chemical Ali…….too bad he was on his honeymoon and probably didn’t update his lineup. Honger’s Mom finally righted the ship. See what a good whoopin’ from from mom and dad can do…..Tough love always works. The Battle of Mulletville took its toll on the Jersey Boyz who couldn’t muster up enough points to make the performance fee let alone a win vs F'ah Q 2 who now has 1st place outright. Shock and awe twarted Beirut by the Bay’s attempt for a win. Atleast Beirut by the Bay is not on the donation list this week.
It’s a big week for the donations, looks like a new iPod for the Commish and an Xbox for the kid. Hard Hitters, Hoplite, Suboptimal, Jersey Boyz, Golden Domers, Chemical Ali, and Tikis Torches all drop a Jackson and an Honest Abe in the pot.

Uptick Division
F'ah Q 2 8-2
Jersey Boyz 7-3
Hoplite 6-4
The Commish 5-5
shock and awe 5-5
Suboptimal 4-6
Beirut by the Bay 3-7
Hard Hitters 2-8

DownTick Division
Big Blue Repeaters 7-3
Chemical Ali 6-4
Honger's Mom 6-4
spacesuit38 6-4
Tikis Torches 5-5
Spartan Landsharks 4-6
Slap and Tickle 4-6
Golden Domers 2-8

Week Nine

2005-11-09T14:10:00.000-08:00

“Priest Holmes is retiring tomorrow!!!!” Was shouted across the bows of the Commish’s ship (trading desk) from yonder office of Tiki. “The BMR is mine!!!!” He shouts. As he scuttles across the floor yelling names of all the great players he has on his roster like an elf running through Santa workshop screaming out orders. It dawned on me that the season has only entered the 2nd half and there are many injuries and upsets a comin’. Plus, if you get in your way-back machine and travel back to BMR I, it was Tom Brady Bunch as Goliath riding an undefeated regular season and it was Tiki as David, that dude with the pee shooter (so his wife says) knockin’ TBB on his ass and waltzing to the inaugural BMR title.

To quote a co-worker “When you’re yellin’ you should be sellin’.”

Earlier I had a pleasant conversation with an Unnamed BMR Player in regards to playing the wire like a one armed retarded chimp which hasn’t been extremely fruitful for him.

Unnamed BMR Player - You cheap son of a bitch. Those guys are retards.
Commish - I got a good deal on those boys. Scout said they showed a lot of promise.
Unnamed BMR Player - They brought their fuckin' TOYS with 'em.
Commish Id rather have em playin with their toys than playin with themselves
Unnamed BMR Player - They're too dumb to play with themselves. Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the league you gotta buy it.

The word of the Week and probably for the rest of the season is…..rentals. The wire math is simple:
Add + Drop = $10 < Performance Fee of $25

The dust has finally settled in the dump on the east side of Rumson. In a closely contested battle, the Jerzey Boyz walked away with a win 66-60. Peyton hasn’t paid off as much as he has in the past. Congrats to the Golden Domers, you scored 61 pts…..yeah Too bad Tiki squashed you like a bug with 129…..ohhhhh! Honger’s Mom has almost slipped out of the playoff picture. Better right that ship Jr. or your allowance will be cut off. My team has more beta than a Tech Fund…..which could mean redemptions / no playoffs if I don’t get it together.

Slap and Tickle and Good ole’ Beirut by the Bay have once again been Ali’d. As they say in Vegas….Double Down. Not to be left out of the fun Suboptimal, The Spartan Landsharks, and Chemical Ali make the standard $25 donation to the BMR Kegger Collection Pot while saying. “Thank you Sir, may I have another.”

Uptick Division
F'ah Q 2 7-2
Jersey Boyz 7-2
Hoplite 5-4
The Commish 4-5
shock and awe 4-5
Suboptimal 4-5
Beirut by the Bay 3-6
Hard Hitters 2-7

DownTick Division
Big Blue Repeaters 7-2
Chemical Ali 6-3
Tikis Torches 5-4
Honger's Mom 5-4
spacesuit38 5-4
Spartan Landsharks 4-5
Slap and Tickle 3-6
Golden Domers 1-8

Half Time - Week 8

2005-11-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you’re back on your feet…..BAMMM!!!! back on your ass. The rollercoaster of performance continues …… for me, atleast. Lack of performance continues for The Golden Domers who are not making Charlie Weis proud. The way it looks now, a Weis turd would have a better chance in winning in week 9 than the Golden Domers. Last season, he sat back with hands behind his head saying it was easy and he didn’t have to use the wire or alter his draft rankings. This year, he went with same formula and like a 11th grade chemistry experiment……..KAPPOWIE!!!!! It blows up in his face. Reality is a bitch…ain’t it?

The Jerzey Boyz fell again to the bitch Supoptimal. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses ….blaming the computer and Yahoo locking you out ten minutes before kickoff. “It's a really long story Commish. Jerzey and I were messing around with the computer Friday night. We decided to make a woman and we did and she went crazy and she messed up the whole house.” That shit don’t fly in the BMR. And you have your hands full with shock and awe this week. Peyton coming back all rested. There’s only enough room in Rumson for one of you. Next stop….Mediocrityville. That’s the next town over next to the dump, not to be confused with the other 200 towns next to or in the middle of dumps in Jerzey.

The care packages have really stopped coming to LA. Honger’s Mom dropped another one “EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.” Pull it together Danny.

There is sadness in the The Commish’s household. Jr. was told that Santa isn’t coming this year due to The Commish having to pay a performance fee. Slap and Trickle also make a heartfelt donation. The G’Domer’s having been Ali’d this weekend, pay double. Again….. Reality is a bitch…ain’t it?

Uptick Division
F'ah Q 2 6-2
Jersey Boyz 6-2
Hoplite 4-4
shock and awe 4-4
Suboptimal 4-4
The Commish 3-5
Beirut by the Bay 3-5
Hard Hitters 2-6

DownTick Division
Big Blue Repeaters 6-2
Chemical Ali 5-3
Honger's Mom 5-3
Tikis Torches 4-4
Spartan Landsharks 4-4
spacesuit38 4-4
Slap and Tickle 3-5
Golden Domers 1-7

BMR - Unlucky Week 7

2005-10-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

After trying for many years and enduring many rejections from an assortment of countries, consulates, and the women themselves - Chemical Ali was finally able to get his hands on a mail order bride. The lovely “couple” tied the knot this past weekend in from what I hear (none of the BMR playaz were on the invitation list) a splendid wedding of pastels and pink bows. “Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man.”

The day has finally come. The Jersey Boyz finally fell to the hands of The Commish. I’m trying to toot my own horn. I don’t need a horn to toot. Just ask the people that sit around me. It just goes to show that wondrous things happen to those who work the wires. Case and point – the Big Blue Wrecking Crew last season worked the wire like a one-armed blind retarded chimp works himself. The result being a BMR Bowl Title, minus a few wire charges. He was still able to afford a lifetime subscription to The Wonderful World of Women Hunters (inflatable deer and patch kit included). There are hidden nuggets out there. You just have to find them. Or do what the rest of Wall Street does…..play the momentum / pile on game. Last week Beirut by the Bay scored 67.11 of his 72.33 from players that he picked up after the draft. Yes, He still lost, but atleast he’s trying and not a whiney little bitch (Suboptimal).

In the Downtick Division Honger’s Mom got stymied by the Landsharks this week. She’s pissed – looks like no care package for Danny this week. Both Leagues are jammed up in the middle like the bathroom stalls at the NYSE 20 minutes before the opening.
Suboptimal, Hard Hitters, Hoplite, Honger's Mom, and Tiki's Torches are this weeks donors to the Save the BMR Fund a.k.a let’s put gas in daddy’s SUV this week.

Just Remember “True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...”

UpTick
Jersey Boyz 6-1
F'ah Q 2 5-2
Hoplite 3-4
The Commish 3-4
Suboptimal 3-4
shock and awe 3-4
Beirut by the Bay 3-4
Hard Hitters 2-5

DownTick
Honger's Mom 5-2
Big Blue Repeaters 5-2
Chemical Ali 4-3
Tikis Torches 4-3
Spartan Landsharks 3-4
spacesuit38 3-4
Slap and Tickle 3-4
Golden Domers 1-6

Hurricane Wilma

2005-10-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

Wilma causes Chiefs-Dolphins to reschedule for Friday
The game originally scheduled for Sunday will now be played at 7 pm EST / 4pm PST

Get your line-ups in ASAP
No changes after the kick off

BMR - Week Six

2005-10-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

FLASHBACK – 4 years ago – There once was a man named Tom Brady Bunch who had his way with the season like Ali has his way with his neighbor’s dog after slipping it a roofie. TBB goes un-d-feated and gets his clocked clean in the first round of the playoffs by the fourth seed who happened to ride the hot hand of, believe or not Kerry Collins, when he was fresh off the bottle on the NY Giants. The Jersey Boyz presently has the hot hand and probably a sore arm. Can he keep it up? Hopefully, for my sake, the streak will end this week.
Suboptimal and Slap and Tickle continue the donation streak to my son's upcoming 5th birthday at Disneyland. The overall pot is getting juicy like a Napa grape in October. Unlike Slap and Tickle, Suboptimal refuses to take it like a man. The claims range from a rigged draft to some sort of conspiracy theory bullshit. It’s ironic how someone with such bravado when she nailed down second place and took home a couple hundy last year has done a total 180 and cries like a bitch. If your thong is too tight, then change it to your favorite pair of pink cotton panties and play the game. You beat me a couple of weeks ago and you don’t see me complaining. I’ve been in mediocrity for years in this league. Injuries and drug running charges haven’t stopped me from scouring the wire for players on a weekly basis. If you really need to cry to someone, try your dog. Even he will get sick of your shit and start pissing on your pillow.

*** Always remember not to cry to the Commish unless you want to see your name in print.

UpTick
Jersey Boyz 6-0
F'ah Q 2 4-2
Hoplite 3-3
Beirut by the Bay 3-3
Hard Hitters 2-4
The Commish 2-4
Suboptimal 2-4
shock and awe 2-4

DownTick
Honger's Mom 5-1
Big Blue Repeaters 4-2
Tikis Torches 4-2
Chemical Ali 4-2
Spartan Landsharks 2-4
spacesuit38 2-4
Slap and Tickle 2-4
Golden Domers 1-5

Week Jive

2005-10-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

Gone are the days when a man played football. Injuries are starting to plague the league. A twisted knee here, torn ACL there, and the possible career ending hangnail. YES HANGNAIL…..and these guys make millions. Some KC Chief was listed as questionable for an infection from a hangnail. Put a cast on it and club the crap out of your opponent. Everyday as I peruse the Pittsburgh Post Gazette for the latest tidbits on the Boys from the Burgh, there is this ad for a book on the glory days of the Steelers with a picture of Jack Lambert glaring out of his helmet like someone ate his tuna sandwich. Scruffy face and a few teeth missing with a glare that would make a raging bull shit itself……and that wasn’t his worst look. Now, that type of glare is accompanied by a posse packing heat and the guy pulled a hammy and is one practice away from the IR…….I guess it’s time to search the wire.

Like every year Christmas comes earlier and earlier. The season of giving is quickly coming upon us and the kind hearts of the BMR were in a giving mood. Slap and Tickle, spacesuit38, Golden Domers, shock and awe, and Suboptimal are warming the hearts and bellies of many young Oliver Twists this week by making their generous donation to the fund. Sadly, Suboptimal and Slap and Tickle actually won with 52 and 56 pts respectively. A win is a win, even when you have pay 25 bones.
“You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young boys whom I taught to believe in the Ten Commandments have come back to me as two thieves, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes.
Get out... And don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves...”

UpTick
Jersey Boyz 5-0
F'ah Q 2 4-1
Hoplite 2-3
Hard Hitters 2-3
The Commish 2-3
Suboptimal 2-3
Beirut by the Bay 2-3
shock and awe 1-4-0

DownTick
Honger's Mom 4-1
Chemical Ali 4-1
Big Blue Repeaters 3-2
Tikis Torches 3-2
spacesuit38 2-3
Slap and Tickle 2-3
Spartan Landsharks 1-4
Golden Domers 1-4

The End of the First Quarter

2005-10-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

It has been said, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” It’s ringing true in the Uptick Division. Beirut by the Bay rides the tides of fortune for three years and behold a year that fortune turns, so does his loyalty to the BMR. “Is there a mercy rule in our league?” he asks. Why yes…..you are at the mercy of your brethren in the league. Instead of whining and hanging out with your girlfriend all weekend - why don’t you get off your ass and play the wire. It’s been done in the past. Chemical Ali in years past had a team overweight with drug users and pussies that could play with a little pain for 3 million dollars. So, what does he do, he goes to the wire and makes a valiant effort at trying to make the playoffs. Not bad for someone who makes $4.95 and hour and a Happy Meal every other Friday. If someone with low self-esteem and a noticeable tick can do it, so can you. The BMR is a league of men and Honger’s Mom, try being a part of it. I pledge allegiance to the BMR with liberty and fraternity for all. Amen.

Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because the BMR takes my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no. -- Thanks for the lunch money, this week Beirut by the Bay pays double with a lackluster 27 pts.

Congrats to Suboptimal (at my expense), Shock and awe, Golden Domers, and Spartan Landsharks for getting off their asses and winning a game. Honger’s Mom finally lost and Jersey Boyz remains the sole undefeated team. Is the curse of Tom Brady Bunch climbing on his shoulder, or is it to early to call?

Uptick Division
Jersey Boyz 4-0
F'ah Q 2 3-1
Hard Hitters 2-2
Hoplite 2-2
The Commish 2-2
Suboptimal 1-3
shock and awe 1-3
Beirut by the Bay 1-3

Downtick Division
Honger’s Mom 3-1
Big Blue Repeaters 3-1
Chemical Ali 3-1
Tikis Torches 2-2
Spacesuit38 2-2
Spartan landsharks 1-3
Slap and Tickle 1-3
Golden Domers 1-3

BMR - Week Tres

2005-09-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

What a year makes. Gone are the days of mom cooking, cleaning, and making sure that his line-up was in on time. Hongers Niners has taken control of the Downtick Division and he owes a great big hug and kiss to mom. With a swift hand and curse tongue, Jr. was kept in line and her 2 year 12 step regimen paid off.
Speaking of owes……..unlike our President; money does not grow on trees or come from an HP Laser Jet behind the desk in the Oral Office. Money comes from the pockets of shock and awe, Spartan Landsharks, and Golden Domers. And an extra special donation will be made from both shock and awe and Spartan Landsharks. They have been Ali’d. For less than $25 you guys could improve your teams by sifting through the wires and picking gems like the dynamic kicking duo of Mark Simoneau and Mike Bartrum from the Eagles…….Step it up!!!!!!
What the fuck happened to the BMR I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Commish, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Honger’s Mom, he's a dead man! Jersey Boys, dead! Hard Hitters... Dead! The Commish’s right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

Uptick Division
Jersey Boyz 3-0
Hard Hitters 2-1
Hoplite 2-1
The Commish 2-1
F'ah Q 2 2-1
Beirut by the Bay 1-2
Suboptimal 0-3
shock and awe 0-3

Downtick Division
Honger’s Mom 3-0
Big Blue Repeaters 2-1
Chemical Ali 2-1
Tikis Torches 2-1
Spacesuit38 2-1
Slap and Tickle 1-2
Spartan landsharks 0-3
Golden Domers 0-3

BMR - Week Deux

2005-09-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

It’s nice to see a nation band together and support their brethren. People donating time and money to help those who have been displaced. From California Nurses to atheists loading up 18-wheelers in the local church parking lots - everybody is in a giving mood. That charitable feeling has obviously carried over to the BMR. Slap and Tickle, spacesuit38, shock and awe, Suboptimal, and Beirut by the Bay have decided to donate to performance fee coffers of the BMR. The rest of us send out a heartfelt THANKS, and the tax receipts will be lost in the mail.

It’s too early to count people out, but some are hurting. The Vikes loss of Moss is obvious. Dante throws up so much junk and Moss would grab it. Now it’s easy pickins for the D. No running back has had a mind numbing breakout game. The days of Priest running for 185 and 4 td’s is gone. Here are the days where 2 back split carries and td’s or some fat ass plunges in from the 1yd line when the feature back carried it 60 of the 80 yds down the field on 7 carries. Picking a line-up that will bring you over the performance line is almost as tough as watching Ali decide between the powder blue tux of the pink one with tails for his wedding. Both his mother and fiancée like the blue…….sorry Ali, no pink for you.

I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is a BMR opponent. In order to conquer the opponent, I have to learn to think like an opponent. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.

Pay attention to bye weeks, which start this week. It’s bad enough that you have to pay when a full roster doesn’t perform.

The Commish

Uptick Division
Jersey Boyz 2-0
The Commish 2-0
F'ah Q 2 2-0
Hoplite 1-1
Hard Hitters 1-1
shock and awe 0-2
Suboptimal 0-2
Beirut by the Bay 0-2

Downtick Division
Hongers Niners 2-0
Big Blue Repeaters 1-1
Chemical Ali 1-1
Tiki’s Torches 1-1
Spacesuit38 1-1
Slap and tickle 1-1
Golden Domers 1-1
Spartan Landsharks 0-2

BMR - a WEAK ONE

2005-09-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

Like usual, there is some hemming and hawing and a lot of woes is me. Some say that their team played soft, but Beirut by the Bay played more towards impotent. You might want to borrow some liitle blue pills from Ali. Good thing I had forgotten to enact the Ali Rule, because Beirut definitely Ali’d this week. The Golden Domers got so euphoric from ND’s upset of Michigan in the Big House that he forgot to show up for the real game on Sunday. Not to be left out Spartan Landsharks will also be making a nice donation to the BMR war-chest for his less than stellar performance. I guess winning is not a family thing. (His father is the Bucs Off. coordinator) Way to follow in your dad's footsteps....he'd be proud.

Under the present settings, the performance fee is at 65 points. That would put half the league in the category of making a non-tax deductable donation to the BMR war-chest this week.
Historically, the first couple of weeks have had lower totals, but never this low. As BMR Commish, I will be lowering the performance fee bar back to 60 pts. which will be retroactive. I will also be enacting the Ali Rule (below 40pts = 2x performance fee) which starts on week 2.

Tonight, you men will sleep with your lineups. You will give your lineups a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pertty pink panties are over! You're married to this league. And you will be faithful.

Go out and pick some players up off the wire and score some points. There is only 13 weeks left in the regular season……..and you don’t want to dig yourself into a deep hole. Trust me, I know from experience.

The Commish

Uptick
1-0 Hoplite, F’ahQ 2, The Commish, Jersey Boyz
0-1 Supoptimal, Shock and Awe, Hard Hitters, Beirut by the Bay

Downtick
1-0 Honger’s Niners, Tiki’s Torches, Slap and Tickle, spacesuit38
0-1 Chemical Ali, Big Blue Repeaters, Spartan Landsharks, Golden Domers

The Final Countdown

2005-08-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

4 Days remain.
The League will be locked down for the draft before the open this coming Monday.
Don't wait til the last minute...because something will come and you might end up picking New England Def in the first round....that was a mistake wasn't it?
Some are looking for some strategy to come out ahead in the draft....the front runner being the Williams Strategy - Drafting all players with the last name of Williams (The more obscure name the better).
Good Luck and remember Kickers make a great first pick - they contribute every week - plus Ali like how they look in their uniforms.

2005-07-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

Everyone is finally on board.
Both divisions draft orders have been set.
On Monday August 15th as the market opens, the drafting process will begin.
So do your research and rank your players.
There will be no candy-ass extensions.

People have asked about how they can make comments on the BMR Blog. Simply click the word comment at the bottom of the post and register using your team name and join in the fun. Gone are the days of email due to the regulation of email in the industry.

Tell your honey that the Jenkins and the weekly Pictionary game will have to wait 10 god damn minutes so you can post a blog......Aren't you trendy.

2005-07-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

The Time Has Come

2005-06-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hey ladies…….it’s time to rumble.
The Bear Market Racket is back for it’s 4th season. Gone are the Sanchez Brothers and in is Mr. K. from Jersey. He’s a big Jets fan (take as many of them as you want) and likes to gamble. He’ll fit in nicely.
The Uptick and Downtick Divisions have been set up. The rules have changed a little. Gone is the 3rd WR and it’s replaced by a RB/WR choice position. The performance fee is still $25, but the bar has been raised to 65pts. Like usual the first ten transactions are free (drop =1 & add =1) then it’s $5 per move. Trades are now FREE. Anchorman in each division = $50. The entry fee stands at $120. Quitters will be pay the standard $1000 fee.
Same playoff rules and the the division Chump with the most points takes the BMR Bowl IV trophy.

Payout
1st 60%
2nd 30%
3rd & 4th 5% each

Here are the Division breakdowns in drafting order –

Uptick
1 J.Lane
2 Chad
3 Commish
4 Mr. K
5 Frank
6 Rudy
7 Paul
8 Riedel

Downtick
1 Seth
2 Jim/Will
3 Jr.
4 Andy
5 Brady
6 Ali
7 MJ
8 Chris

League lockdown for the draft will be Monday August 15th at 7am PST.
Please at least sign in and register your team. If you have decided that you cannot participate, please inform me asap so the arrangements can be made.

Good luck and get your game on.
The Commish

Season Update

2005-05-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

The divisions have been created and the draft order is set.
Chemical Ali gets to pick last every even round.

Registration will begin sometime in June

Free agency period ends: 7/22

Training camps open: 7/22

BMR Draft: mid August

Season kickoff: 9/8

SMACK TALK STARTS NOW!!!!!!!

On This Day In History

2005-03-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

On this day in history, the Fed-Ex man delivered the thin overnite envelope which contained the check from FILTHY SANCHEZ. Hopefully the great floods and disasters of O-ville won't hold the Commish from cashing that bad boy before the funds dry up.

Movie Review - Hey Dude, Where's My Money?

2005-03-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

Starring:
The Commish as the collector & Filthy Sanchez as the welcher.

The storyline takes place in the small town of BMR where everyone but Filthy Sanchez has paid their dues and the Commish is having problems collecting.

The plot is still developing, but it seems to headed for a tragic ending for the Filthy Sanchez character, who might be run out of town.

Stay Tuned......

Still Nuttin'

2005-03-11T09:33:00.000-08:00

Filthy Sanchez's check is still a no show.
He's making up excuses like "It got returned"
TRY MAILING IT !!!!!

Final Deliquency Notice for Filthy Sanchez

2005-03-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

Still no check......
The Filthy Sanchez seat in the BMR will be soon auctioned off.
Antibacteria swabs not included

Filthy Sanchez is a Deadbeat

2005-02-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

To – The Commish
From - The Accounting Dept. of the BMR
Re – Deadbeat Status of Filthy Sanchez

We have not received the dues & fees for BMR III $246.
Actions forthcoming

The BMR Blog is alive!!!!!

2005-02-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

no mo emails - the BMR has moved to the blogdum.
If you don't know what the BMR is, then go ask yo momma and don't come back til you know.